... but I'm bored and thought I'd update a little.

I broke up with James on Memorial Day. Things just weren't the way they used to be. Something changed between us. He couldn't get his act together. He couldn't commit to living with me in the city like I had planned. In fact, he couldn't do anything. He didn't have a job, he couldn't ever tell me when he would be coming to visit. Basically, he couldn't give me what I needed and I got tired of waiting around for him. Plus, I've always had feelings for David and ever since Sophomore year I've been trying to convince myself otherwise. But during this past year, he really was there for me, and seemed to have changed a lot. We hung out a lot, he was very supportive, and well... now we're together again. Hopefully for a longer haul this time. I'm really happy to finally be with him the way I've wanted these past 2 years. However, I can't help but remain apprehensive and a little cautious knowing our track record and history. But I'm trying really hard not to let that get in the way of enjoying my time with him. Unfortunately, right now he is in Europe traveling with one of his home friends. We talk every so often and he emails when he can, but its difficult. I can't wait for him to come back so we can see where we are and be together together. In close proximity. The last bit of the school year was heaven though. Sickeningly enough, I'd call it "a dream come true", as cheesy and unrealistic as that sounds.

I'm living in Chicago, alone, and for the most part I love it. I work 9-5 M-F and on nights and weekends I relax and study for the LSAT. I only wish I had more friends to hang out with. Katherine is great, my old roommate, but she isn't 21 and I can't go out to bars with her. I'd really like to explore the city, and I have a few friends around, but it always seems that my plans fall through. Like tonight. Two plans fell through. After one didn't work out, I called another friend, and things didn't work out with him either. So here I am another weekend night sitting around in my apartment, feeling a little lonely and unpopular. Things could be worse. I'm usually pretty busy, its just the times when I get bored and miss David that I start thinking too much and then I get a little down. I've actually been real pensive and reflective lately though, in what I think is a constructive way. Unfortunately, tonight I've been thinking a lot about James though. Not like I miss him or want him back or anything. Far from it. I've learned things about him that make me very glad to have broken things off when we did and sort of regret that we didn't end things sooner. Could have saved a lot of time, money and heartache for both of us. Though it seems like I got over it quickly after breaking up, what is really true is that I had fallen out of love and out of commitment to him a long time before I actually ended the relationship. Oops. You live, you learn. Anyway, I guess I am just reminded of the way things USED to be when they were good between us. I still maintain that our relationship was the best I have had up to this point. I loved him very much and learned a lot from him. It's unfortunate things turned out the way they did, but that's just the way it goes sometimes. I just can't help remembering and sometimes mourning what we used to have. Pretty normal, I think.

Ah well, I'm happy with David. Still in the cloudy, oh my gosh this is finally happening stage, even though he's not here. Seriously though, there is an advantage to him not being here. My moving to the city for the summer is completely my independent experience. I have people to lean on and depend on (family, certain friends) but when it boils down to it I am in this by myself, which is a very good and important thing for me to have in my life at this moment. It was actually perfect if I think about it in the long run. A perfect chance to be myself and grow and experience life. And it's good for David to be in Europe doing his own thing too. But that doesn't mean I can't still miss him and wish he were here or I was there. It sucks, but I'll deal.

I'm home. And yet I feel like shit. Why?

I'm nursing a serious case of the blahs here. I dunno what it is, maybe recital let down, maybe the weather, or end of term blues, but its a funk for sure. Get me out!

One week exactly from tonight is our recital. It certainly came upon me quickly. I feel basically ready. I have a few things to sort out vocally first, but I am basically ready to do it. Both of my parents are coming up, which will be so nice. I miss them, and home. Its like a little mini break before Thanksgiving. Which is then only another week away. And then there's a week of 10th week classes. And then finals. Since I don't have any finals, all I have to do is turn in a paper, I'll probably go home fairly early in the week. This term has been rough. But I think in the end it will have been worth it. Everything that happens in life shapes who you are and what you'll become. I guess that goes along with, everything happens for a reason.

Hmmm...

Accompanist - Nathan Uhl agreed to play for me. Thank God! I am so relieved. We need to meet to practice still... but he's good and I feel that we will be okay with minimal practicing. I need to get together with Sunghun as well, thats a goal for reading period.

Recital Preparation - Memorized my Italian art song. Need to finish memorizing two German Lied. Everything else is in good shape. The hearing is Oct 30 and then NATS is Nov 4th. So by then I hope to have everything, most importantly my NATS material that is also recital stuff polished and ready to go. Oh and I sang in the Area Recital today and I feel it went fairly well, so thats encouraging.

James - Still plans on coming to visit either on Friday or Saturday and stay til the end of the week, but he doesn't have a car yet. And knowing his parents, it may be doubtful that they give him permission. He's definitely going to Ball State next semester and he'll stay there for the rest of college. In the long run, it will be worth it, even though it does suck now. If it's meant to be it's meant to be and if not it can't be helped.

Midterms - Yeesh. Umm, didn't do so hot on my Mythology midterm, which pisses me off because the material is SOO easy. I knew everything, I just had trouble fitting in all the information into the time period. The format wasn't very different from what Professor McNeill usually has but each question was more intricate and required more detail. So I feel like I short-changed a lot of my answers just to finish the test. Boo. My Philosophy midterm is tomorrow, I'm working on that now. Its not as bad as I thought it would be. But lets hope I retain all this information when I go in for the test tomorrow.

Reading Period. Finally. I plan to catch up on sleep, read a bunch for class especially if James comes I'll try to get ahead, memorize my pieces, practice with accompanists, and go out for 80's night on Wednesday!! Woo!

... and I'm already losing my mind. I didn't believe that this term would be particularly awful. I was sorely mistaken. I thought only having 2 classes would make planning a recital a piece of cake. Wrong again. The recital is on November 13th and I still don't have an accompanist for half of my music. I am running around like crazy trying to find someone who can pick up four pieces by October 30th for my hearing. I am also trying to memorize two/three pieces by then. They say you are expected to screw up at your hearing, yeah well, I don't want to screw up. I am 4 chapters behind in my Mythology class and 2 chapters in my Philosophy readings. I have midterms next week for both of those classes but we are going to Bjorklunden for Theta over the weekend so who knows when I will study. I am so afraid for my Philosophy midterm, thank God its on Wednesday, not Monday. I also have a project and paper due for Mythology that I haven't even started. Thats fine, I don't need to work on it until after my recital, but thats just one more thing looming over my head. Oh yeah, and the opera. Trying to learn new material for something so far away is quite frustrating when I am forcing memorization on pieces for the end of next week. The biggest thing stressing me out is the lack of accompanist. Patrice says I still have time and options, but I don't know about that. We need to turn in a recital program to the Con office as soon as possible, and I need to get a set accompanist to send in with that program by the day we turn that in. And I don't want to let Cami down by not being prepared with the program and not being able to get one made. Again, Patrice says they won't be upset if it is a few days late and they will still make us one... hopefully. Now I am singing in the Area Recital on Tuesday so thats one more thing I have to work on, and one more accompanist I have to find to play for me. I hate school. All I wanna do is go home, sleep, shop, and watch movies. And play with James. Who I miss terribly. Ahhhh!

"I'll Find A Way"

I'll find a way to see you again

I used to think that anything I'd do
Wouldn't matter at all anyway
But now I find that when it comes to you
I'm the winner of cards I can't play
Wait for me, wait for me
Darling, I need you desperately, desperately here

And I'll find a way to see you again

The rain is like an orchestra to me
Little gifts from above meant to say
Girl, you falling at his feet
Isn't lovely or stunning today
Wait with me, wait with me
I'm alive when you're here with me, here with me, stay

And I'll find a way to see you again

Why do the street lamps die
When you're passing by
Like a hand that won't stay on my shoulder tonight
If you held me close, would you laugh it away
Would you dare the glance that I steal to stay

And I'll find a way to see you again
Yes, I'll find a way to see you again
I'll find a way, a way, a way to see you again

The rain will bring, the rain will bring, the rain will bring, bring, bring me down

James has come and gone. It was a short visit, but it was well worth it. He got in late on Friday night, said hey, and then went out to visit with his friends. I went to bed, but he came back around 4:00 and then we didn't get up on Saturday until after noon. It was great. Saturday he had planned a whole little thing for me, it was our 6 month. Apparently it didn't go as planned, but I still thought it was great. He had Cami and Genna make dinner, and when we got back from a walk there was this romantic candlelit dinnery thing in our living room and candles all over my room. Talk about fire hazard. And he got me Godiva and champagne. I mean, really, he was sweet and it was more than I've ever expected or received from anyone so I was smitten. Sunday we all just kinda chilled around, went to brunch and that was kinda it. It was nice and laid back. Monday I went to class and again then we just relaxed for the rest of the day. Got some dinner and watched MASH episodes. He was going to leave around 10 that night but the weather was so bad he stayed until 2 and it was still a bitch for him to get home. So we really only had 3 nights and 3 full days, but thats more than if he didnt come. He plans on coming back again for Halloween and for a longer visit, which will be nice. I feel pretty good about us. I got some pictures from the weekend and put them up, I like them. I guess I am just bummed out about him being gone. Obviously. I am usually hopefull that he will return, but tonight I was rather down about it. Its normal to go through this right? I'm sorry that it seems thats all I am writing about ever. There really is other stuff going on in my life, a lot of other stuff, but its more manageable and it goes away quicker than I can get around to writing about it. Mostly what sticks with me daily is missing him.

I have determined that I need to kick my ass into gear and start getting shit done. I can't play around anymore. I have too much music to learn, too much reading to do and too much everything else to organize, prepare for, and work for. So goodbye to carefree days of putzing around. Hello time management and back to school mentality.


Oh, minor moment of extreme excitement...

JAMES is visiting on Friday!!!

Well. I have just reorganized my entire life. Well, not really, but it certainly seems like quite a hassel to do all this. I've decided to go down (I hate using the word drop) from a BM of vocal performance to a BA. This way, I wont have to take Vocal Ped and Conducting, I wont have to take 2 more Music History classes, and I wont have to be in an ensemble each term, nor will I have to give a full recital my super senior year. I will still need to stay another year to finish everything, but now I am finding myself with what seems to be a lot of free time that I'm not used to having. Usually I am enrolled in 3 or more classes along with voice and ensemble work. Thats all my time. Now, I am in 2 classes and taking voice lessons. Still a full time student, but not what I am used to. I suppose this is good, I can get a job, concentrate on my recital, put a lot into Theta and have time for James when he comes to visit or when I visit him. And I can have time for the opera if I get in.